Excerpts from “Who Framed Lucky the Leprechaun?”

Scene 1 : LUCKY CHARMS COMMERCIAL

Director Keester, Lucky, Camera 1, Camera 2.

Crew 3, Clapboard Operator, Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, Actor, Actress

---------------------------------

(A low budget TV studio. Two camera persons with cameras on shoulders or lightweight tripods. Third Techie has a microphone hanging from a boom pole. CLAPBOARD OPERATOR will clap the board near LUCKY’S face, startling him and endangering his nose.)

DIRECTOR Places! Tape is rolling . . . and ACTION!

(6 foot tall Lucky pirouettes, leaps and says:)

LUCKY Oh those children! They’re always after me —
DIRECTOR Cut! Can you bring it up an octave, Lucky?

LUCKY Bring it up? I never had to do that before, Ralph. (In a screechy voice) “Oh, those children, they’re always after me—

DIRECTOR (interrupting) Lucky, Lucky, see the New Designs Board wants um... a lighter style in the mascot now. You know, light soda, light cigarettes, light beer...

LUCKY (squirm of revulsion) Ewww.

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

DIRECTOR I know, it’s blasphemous, but we gotta follow the money. So can you do me a favor, ol’ pal and try to bring your voice up a notch.

LUCKY (leaps, pirouettes) Ah, those children.. (ENTER BIG ACTORS clomping) they’re always after me --

ACTOR - There’s Lucky!

LUCKY - Those aren’t children.

DIRECTOR Cut!

LUCKY - Look at the size of them!

DIRECTOR: Budget cuts, Lucky! All we could get! We’ll fix it in editing! Places!

(Actors run back) Tape still rolling, Action!

LUCKY not satisfied, but repeats leap & pirouette)

LUCKY Ah, those children (ENTER ACTORS) They’re always after me Lucky Charm-- (ACTORS tackle him.) Aaaaack! Oh, the pain! That’s not in the script!

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

KID 1 Hey Mister? Excuse me? We’re looking for the Lucky the Leprechaun try-outs--\

DIRECTOR: Closed set, kids! You gotta get out!

LUCKY Ralph! Ralph, me boy! Show some charity to the wee ones. Hello me little lads and lassie. You’re a fine lookin’ bunch. And sure you’ll be wantin’ an autograph to show your friends back home?

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

KID 1 Say it! Say, “They’re magically delicious!”

LUCKY (with extreme trepidation):

They’re magically delicious!….?

KID 2 (Horror) Aaaaah! It IS him!

KID 3 It’s Lucky. It’s Lucky! He’s old! He’s old, and big! He’s a freak!

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

KID 1 I think we’re in the wrong room.

KID 2 They wouldn’t have the tryouts in here!

KID 3 Not with HIM around!

(THEY Exit screaming)

LUCKY Tryouts! Tryouts for what???!!

DIRECTOR I’m sorry you found out like this Lucky. The Big Guy, he thinks you’re getting a bit old for this role. I mean how old are you? 300?

LUCKY I’m just 298!

DIRECTOR And it appears you’ve had a growth spurt lately. We just can’t get actors big enough to play the children without borrowing from the NBA or Ripley’s Believe It or Not.

But I know you still got heart for the role, so I scored this shoot for you. The Big Guy wanted to fire you, but I said give him one more chance, and he said I could use this storage locker for the shoot if I cleaned out all the Count Chocula fan mail, and I can use these (insert community college:) _____________ Media interns if I paid them, so [chuckle] I told them they can graduate early if they did this shoot.

CREW 1 2 3: What?

CREW 1 It wasn’t true?

CREW 2 We didn’t have permission to skip class?

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

ACTRESS (Overacting) I’m not a “Housewife Distressed by Odor”?

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

SCENE 2: BREAKFAST ATTACK

Lucky, Protective Parent, Smart Mouth Kids, Attacker/Rabbit, Lenny, Cop, Detective

(LUCKY ENTERS the stage apron or audience, seemingly drunk, drinking from a bottle in a paper bag and speaks to audience.)

LUCKY Whadd’re you lookin’ at! Ain’t you never seen a drunk leprechaun before? You think a leprechaun’s life is all rainbows and pots of gold? Huh? Huh? All dancin’ the jigs and swinging the shillay-lee-ga-lig-alow (garbles the word.)

(Approaching we hear Mother: After dinner, do your homework. Kid - Aw… Is there any lemon meringue pie left? We saved you one piece. A big piece? Well, we had to split it with your sister. ..PARENT & KIDS ENTER, and are shocked to see this weird guy talking to an imaginary audience.)

TIMID KID 1 Mommy, what is it?

PARENT Excuse me. May we pass?

LUCKY No, noooo... Excuuuuuse ME! Am I in your way? (Bows exaggeratedly stepping aside so they can pass.) After yoooou.

BOLD KID 2 Nice suit, weirdo. Maybe you could get a job at Chucky Cheese.

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

LUCKY(sobbing) I already applied. They turned me down....

Nobody wants a washed up leprechaun.... [Boo hoo hoo]

(he stands straight, instantly sober)

Oh, who am I fooling? This stuff has no effect on me.

(He takes a bottle of Trix drinkable yogurt or Strawberry Quik out of the bag. To audience:)

It takes pretty potent stuff to slosh a leprechaun.

(starts to shuffle off)

And now I have to find a recycle bin. Oh, will the torment never end?

(EXITS)

--CURTAIN OPENS--

(That evening. Lucky’s living room, with smallish furniture: couch or stuffed chair and small table (tv dinner tray-table), kiddie chair. Also, some bachelor debris, such as a dirty sock on the arm of a chair.

LUCKY ENTERS feeling lousy. He stares at a framed cereal box of himself on the wall, catches a sobby breath, and straightens it.)

LUCKY Devotion! Dedication! I gave it all! Changing my pose for [demonstrating poses] every new box design since 1964, and now they toss me on the rubbish heap like . . .[pick up sock and toss] like an old sock.

Tonight, I deserve better!

(LUCKY abruptly goes to a secret hiding place, looks all around, building suspense as he pulls out a key to unlock a box containing the code (or another tool) to open another container, then pulls out a box of Lucky Charms and hugs it lovingly.)

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

(RABBIT looking in, frantically scratches at window, and either climbs thru, or moves out of sight and from a hall entrance, a HOODED RABBIT ATTACKER ENTERS with a baseball bat.)

ATTACKER (Lifts a pawful of cereal and deeply inhales its smell, and pours it over his face,

but DOES NOT TASTE IT. Speaks to the cereal intensely, lovingly:)

I knew you were in here. I could smell you.

Even hidden inside this!

(holds up Lucky Charms box, snarls and crushes it and tosses it aside)

If I can’t have you, nobody can!

(and in 3 swings obliterates the meal, EXITS.)

LUCKY (ENTERING) Aaack! My bowl of cereal exploded! (Vacuums frantically.)

LENNY’S VOICE (Knocking) Hey Lucky!

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

LENNY Is someone holding you hostage in there?

LUCKY No, I’m fine, really!

LENNY Lemme see you’re fine, Lucky! Open the door!

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

LUCKY Oh, no! Just a pillow fight. Horsing around, you know. Silly stuff. Ka-pow! Hit the cereal box. Splat! Big mess.

LENNY(looking at him strangely)

Pillow fight. .... Yeah, well see ya, Lucky.

Oh, Lucky! Hey, man, sorry but I called the cops when I saw the guy go out your window. They’ll be here soon. You can tell ‘em it’s OK. Sorry, dude. (EXITS)

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

COP (disappointed as he puts pin back into grenade) Darn! Good evening, ma’am – uh, sir. We had a report of a suspect hopping out your window.

(COP & DETECTIVE ENTER. Detective examines, measures and takes samples. Cop & Detective will retrieve things knocked into audience.)

LUCKY Oh, no, that was just a friend of mine.

COP Why was he going out your window?

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

COP Pillow fight. (gesturing toward Lucky’s clothes) Uh huh. That explains the pajamas. Strange how the pillows wound up nicely arranged on the couch afterwards.

DETECTIVE [where the attack was] Officer! Look at this. See the splatter pattern? 20 foot wide at least. And the impact sprays? I’d say 3 swings. The evidence has been destroyed here at the epi-center, where the resident cleaned up.

(nods with a fake smile toward Lucky)

I’m sure the victim didn’t realize he was destroying evidence, Did you, Mr....?

LUCKY Lepre…….kinsky..

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

DETECTIVE Mr. Lepperkinsky, I just find it curious that the circumstances of your “game” match a dozen similar crimes happening around town.

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

DETECTIVE That pillow packed quite a punch, Mr. Lepper....

(DETECTIVE does a double-take as he sees the similarity of Lucky on the box to Lucky who is also standing near the framed cereal box. COP & DETECTIVE simultaneously look at box to Lucky back and forth, as Lucky squirms and tries to shield his face.)

...kinsky.

Thank you for your time. [hands him a card]

Here’s my number.

LUCKY [reading card] 911?

DETECTIVE If no one answers, call later.

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

DETECTIVE The cereal killer? No, I just can’t see that wimpy guy, sneaking into homes and smashing bowls of cereal....

But there’s a reason why he’d destroy evidence. Maybe he’s afraid to finger the culprit, or maybe he’s protecting him. But there’s more to it than that.

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

COP Then what was on the floor? -- (gasp!)

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

He had Trix cereal in a Lucky Charms box!

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

Trix cereal! Just like the other attacks!

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

DETECTIVE [mad & sarcastic] So, what is your hypothesis, Sherlock?

COP He is embarrassed to be a leprechaun that eats Trix?

DETECTIVE You idiot! He’s 6 foot tall! How can he be a leprechaun??? Just – just – just SHUT UP!

And here, MR. MONK, here is something else you missed.

==========[LINES SKIPPED] ===============

DETECTIVE (opens hand, revealing chocolate covered nuts) Recognize it?

COP (holds up to look at, smells, bounces it, and pops it in his mouth) Hmmm... Earthy, with a hint of basil.

DETECTIVE That’s rabbit droppings, you idiot!!!!

(COP gags as if barfing.)

You don’t “taste” evidence, you moron!

How did you graduate from the academy?????

(DETECTIVE grabs gagging COP by the collar and drags him toward exit)

COP I cheated…..

DETECTIVE Well, at least you learned something today!
[COP & DETECTIVE EXIT]

SCENE 3: “HELP ME, DR. DORA!”

(CURTAIN CLOSED on STAGE APRON)

(ENTER DR. DORA on one side of stage in radio studio,

On other side of stage is a table with radio and a chair.

LUCKY –will be revealed center in his home.)

(RABBIT ENTERS on radio side, wearing hooded raincoat from Scene 2, pushes back hood, looking forlorn and guilty. This is the first time we really see him. Turns on radio, twisting thru static and in and out of stations until Dr. Dora speaks, then turn volume down and “listens to her on the radio.”)

DR DORA Back from our commercial break, you are listening to the Doctor Dora show. And our next caller is T.R.!

RABBIT Help me, Dr. Dora – Did I say that right? Uh, I’m a little nervous..

DR DORA That is to be expected when calling a radio celebrity, T.R. What is your question?

RABBIT My question... Well, I try to stop but I can’t .. I have this hunger that I can't satisfy ... I think I may be a danger....

DR DORA Those are statements, TR. I need a question.

RABBIT How do I stop myself from… um….

DR DORA Stop yourself from what, T.R.?

RABBIT I don’t want to say because I might get in trouble.

DR DORA Ah, so we have to discuss this in generalities?

RABBIT If you please?

DR DORA OK, T.R.. You must have conflicted feelings, right? Something you want but can’t have?

RABBIT Oh yes! The truth is I really love Trix cereal--

DR DORA (interrupts) STOP! No names! No names! We’ll just use her first name, since you’ve already revealed it: Trixie.

RABBIT .... um, but that’s not…… . OK.

DR DORA So you really love Trixie but....

RABBIT It..It.......She.. makes me sick, sick to my stomach.

DR DORA What does she do that makes you sick?

RABBIT Oh, no, SHE doesn’t do anything. You see, I can’t digest anything but cellulose. So, if I have it, I mean, HER, I get stomach cramps.

DR DORA Ah. She is manipulating your emotions. So, what do you do with her instead?

RABBIT Look at her, smell her, want her. And meanwhile everybody in town gets to have her. It’s not fair.

DR DORA Everybody in town? I see why she turns your stomach.

RABBIT Oh, no that doesn’t turn my stomach. That makes me jealous. And I lose control and I go looking in windows to find it -- her, and sometimes I. . . . sometimes . . . Oh, I can’t tell you exactly --- but I haven’t hurt anyone... yet... but I scare them. And I know it’s wrong.

DR DORA So why don’t you just stop?

RABBIT Umm... It’s hard???

DR DORA (groan) T.R.. You seem intelligent and fair minded, but this self pity and jealousy has turned you into a milksop. Get a grip, T.R! This girl sounds cheap and manipulative.

RABBIT Actually, she’s not a girl, and the price is about the same as other brands.

DR DORA Oh, it’s worse than I thought. T.R., I want you to forget this woman and apologize to anyone you’ve harmed or scared – do it anonymously in a letter if you need to, do a few good deeds, and get some counseling.

RABBIT That sounds like good advice.

DR DORA And you’ll do it?

RABBIT Yes.

DR DORA The counseling?

RABBIT ..... Yeah, counseling. Of course!

DR DORA Goodbye, T.R., and good luck. (hang up)

They never do the counseling.

RABBIT (to audience) I’ll do the counseling later. –

[RABBIT EXITS, or hangs out, reading or filing his nails, etc.]

(CURTAIN OPENS halfway revealing

LUCKY center on chair holding phone.)

DR DORA Our next caller calls herself LL. Hello, LL.

LUCKY Oh, hello. Actually, I’m male.

DR DORA And how, male or female, do we start a conversation on the Dr. Dora show?

LUCKY Oh, do I have to?

DR DORA Others are waiting…

LUCKY . . . Help me, Dr. Dora. I just found out they’re looking to replace me at work.

DR DORA Why?

LUCKY They think I’m too old and too big for the job.

DR DORA Those sound like excuses, LL.

LUCKY No, that’s what they said.

DR DORA Have you been giving your all at work?

LUCKY I sure have! I leap and spin and grin like an idiot right on cue. Even though I hate the ... the …

DR DORA Hate what?

LUCKY ... The product. I hate it. And I hate representing it. It’s an abomination of all that I am.

DR DORA Maybe your lack of enthusiasm is showing.

LUCKY No! No one knows how I really feel.

DR DORA Maybe it’s time to act on your true feelings -- follow your heart.

LUCKY Follow my heart?... Maybe I should. My deepest darkest secret is my love for Trix cereal ---

DR DORA (interrupts) Stop! Trixie! T.R. was right! That tart really does get around. T.R., I hope you are listening!

LUCKY What? (KIDNAPPERS ENTER behind him )

(RABBIT perks up, comes back toradio, concerned.)

DR DORA Listen LL. Do not follow your heart! Do not! Do not!

LUCKY Uh, uh, what should I do?

DR DORA Do not call Trixie! She is cheap trash!

LUCKY Who???

(KIDNAPPERS pop a pillowcase over LUCKY.)

DR DORA I want you to open the want ads..

LUCKY (screaming) Help me, help me! -- muffle

DR DORA I’m trying to, LL. Now stay calm.

LUCKY (muffled) They got me in a bag!

(KIDNAPPER 2 KEESTER pries phone from Lucky.)

DR DORA It is a bag of your own self-pity.

LUCKY I can’t breathe! Let me out!

DR DORA Enough with the whiny metaphors!

Take charge of your life, LL! I want you to go to counseling...

KIDNAPPER 2 KEESTER Sorry, wrong number.

(Wipes off his fingerprints, hangs up.

KIDNAPPERS EXIT carrying or shoving LUCKY.)

DR DORA Oh, haven’t I heard this before? [mimicking]

I don’t have a problem, I dialed a wrong number. Ooops! Not my fault!

LL, I know you are still listening and if you don’t face up to your problems they will come back and bite you in the butt.

Well, that’s all the time we have today. This is Dr. Dora, signing off. Please tune in tomorrow and I’ll tell you how to fix your pathetic life.

Bye bye!

(EXITS)

(RABBIT turns off radio and dials phone)

RABBIT Dewdrop. This is Invisible Howard.

Call the strike force and meet me immediately. We have a rescue mission. Here’s the address ...”

(RABBIT EXITS still talking on phone.)

SCENE 4 – MARSHMALLOW MINES

LEELA

LAFFY

LUDWIG

KIDNAPPER 1

KIDNAPPER 2-KEESTER

AURORA

DEWDROP

KEEBLER 1

KEEBLER 2

KEEBLER 3

(Leprechauns are chained ( a length of chain plus added side elastic loops for their feet) and zapping something inside an open topped bin or box.

Inside the bin or box, hidden from audience, is a bowl of Lucky Charms marshmallows or mini colored marshmallows, plus room for rocks to go.

LAFFY pours a bucket of rocks into the container, then starts zapping.)

LEPRECHAUNS [bored]: Marshmallow-icious! Bzzzattt!(repeat, zapping)

(ENTER LUCKY carried by KIDNAPPERS, dumped out of the bag and attached by ankle to chain.

KIDNAPPERS EXIT.)

LAFFY Another sorry git.

LUDWIG Put him to work.

LEELA Hey, no bunking off! Get up and start zapping these rocks into marshmallows. We ain’t doin’ your work for you! Get up! Get up! (starts kicking him)

(Leprechauns continue zapping while talking.)

LUCKY Ow! Ow! Stop kicking me! I nearly suffocated in that stinking bag. Where am I?

LAFFY You’re in the most beastly place in the world for a leprechaun to be.

LUCKY What? You’re leprechauns? I haven’t seen another of my kind in donkey’s years!

LEELA Well you’ll be seeing plenty of us from now on. (kick kick) Now get to work or I’ll marmalade you!

LUCKY Ow! Ow! Please stop kicking me!

LUDWIG Leela’s right! Get crackin’ or they’ll make us skip lunch.

LUCKY What’s for lunch?

LAFFY, LEELA, LUDWIG Beer.

LUCKY (interested) Really? Tell me what to do.

LEELA Tell him, Laffy.

LAFFY Use your magic to turn these rocks into marshmallows.

LEELA But not just any marshmallows! Tell him Ludwig!

LUDWIG Aye! They must be magically delicious.

LUCKY Magically delicious! Magically delicious? Ohhhhh.. nooooo..

(he looks into the container, drops to his knees to lift little colored marshmallows to bathe his face)

Oh, no!!! Pink hearts, green shamrocks, blue moons!

No! These are for Lucky Charms!

LAFFY No shuckin', Sherlock.

LEELA You take over the green shamrocks until you get the hang of it.

LUDWIG And hurry. The rocks are piling up.

LUCKY Rocks? What kind of horrible place is this?

LAFFY Welcome, Boyo, to the General Mills Marshmallow Mines.

LEELA And you’re a slave just like us.

LUCKY A slave???

MUSIC – “Holsum Prison Bakery”

a parody to the tune of “Folsom Prison Blues”

by Johnny Cash

[We hear the music before they ENTER:

KIDNAPPERS herding KEEBLERS 1, 2, 3 carrying sacks of flour (full white pillowcases).]

LUDWIG (resentful) Oh, no! It’s the Keeblers!

MUSIC – “Holsum Prison Bakery”

a parody to the tune of “Folsom Prison Blues”

by Johnny Cash

KEEBLERS:

I hear the grain a comin’

It’s rolling down the vent,

And I ain’t seen the sunshine,

since New Coke came and went;

When yer stuck in Holsum Prison . . .

Bakery ---Time keeps draggin’ on,

[7beats]

Gotta keep that dough a rollin’,

Down the assembly line.

When I was just a baby,

Mama Keebler told me, “Son,

Always be a good elf, don’t ever play with dumb…

Leprechauns or humans,

They’ll smile then cheat and lie.”

[7beats]

When I hear that kitchen timer,

I hang my head and cry.

LEPRECHAUNS:

I bet you Elves were eatin’,

Nestle’s chocolate bars;

You’s probably drinking cocoa

Smokin’ bubble gum cigars,

When the Health Department came in,

To inspect your Tree

[8 beats spoken:] 1- Kitchen in a Tree

2 – Ha ha ha

3 – Flunk Flunk Flunk [checking off list]

They arrested all you Keeblers,

That’s why you can’t be free.

KEEBLERS:

If they freed me from this prison,

If this bakery was mine,

Betcha that I’d move you [point to Leprechauns]

Farther down the line,

Far from spice and sugar,

That’s where a leprechaun should stay.

[7beats]

And let that mop and bucket,

Slop your blues away.

[end of music]

LAFFY Shut up, Keebler Crumbs!

KEEBLER 1 You shut up, Un-Lucky Charm Chumps!

[LEPRECHAUNS run at the KEEBLERS, causing their chain to yank LUCKY’s leg out so he falls or hops on other foot.]

LEELA Make us, why doncha?

LUDWIG Cookie Sprinkle Sissies!

KEEBLER 2 Leprechaun losers!

(KEEBLERS smack LEPRECHAUNS w/flour bags.)

KIDNAPPER #1 Break it up you little freaks!

KIDNAPPER #2 Don’t damage the company property!

KIDNAPPER #3 Back to work! Keep movin’!

[KIDNAPPERS herd the KEEBLERS on.]

KEEBLER 3 Hey look at the dosser string bean they got acting the maggot.

KEEBLERS Ha Ha Ha [EXITING.]

LUCKY [standing up] Hey! Words hurt! (to Leprechauns) Are you guys in prison gangs???

LAFFY [pushing him down] Look at the state o’ you! You embarrassed us with your bigness!

LUCKY Well, excuuuuuuse me! Hey! Hold yer horses! Those guys said we are in the Holsum Prison Bakery. Why did you tell me this is the General Mills Marshmallow Mine?

LEELA It’s a shared facility, ya eejit!

LUDWIG Enough jabbering! If you don’t go full throttle on these rocks --

LAFFY We’ll zap your prodigious nose into a marshmallow! (Leprechauns point fingers at him)

LUCKY Hey,hey hey! Kindness matters.

(starts zapping)

Marsh… mallow.. icious..

I haven’t used my magic for a long time. Marshmallow-icious! We’re slaves????

(continues zapping and saying "Marshmallow-icious)

LAFFY Yep, I been here 30 years.

LEELA 25.

LUDWIG 15. Hey! Your green shamrocks look like manky green boogers.

LUCKY Don’t eat my head off! I’ll try harder! Marshmallow-icious! Were you kidnapped? Marshmallow-icious. I was kidnapped!

LAFFY All of us were. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had written a fan letter to Lucky the Leprechaun.

(Laffy, Leela and Ludwig all spit on floor.)

And the chancer wrote back..

LUCKY I’m Lucky the Leprechaun!!!

LAFFY , LEELA, LUDWIG What???

LEELA You’re the bloody liar that set us up!

(One knocks him down and sits on him with fists up.

2nd puts one foot on him. Third holds bucket over threatening to pour it.)

LUCKY I didn’t! I didn’t! I would never do such a thing!

LUDWIG Get out of that garden! All of us wrote to you. And you wrote back asking each of us to meet you for a brew. And when each of us went to meet you, we got waylaid, stuffed in a bag and dumped here like last week’s rotten potatoes!

LUCKY I did not! I never got any fan letters from leprechauns, so I never could have written back.

LEELA You did! I got mine right here! I read it every night before crying meself to sleep!

(pulls out letter)

“Dearest Leela,

I enjoyed your letter and adorable photograph. I would be charmed to meet you –

LUCKY Let me see that! (He snatches the letter and stands up.) I didn’t write this. [squeaky mimic] “Your kind words made my heart go pitty-pat” It’s insipid! Pbbbst! And that’s not my signature!

LAFFY Prove it!

LUCKY Well, how??? Obviously, I can’t!

LUDWIG Well, whether you did or did not, you’re stuck here now, just like us.

(Pushes him toward rocks) So get to work!

LUCKY (zapping again) Marshmallow-icious! Have you tried to escape? Marshmallow-icious! How do they keep you here?

FX: Sirens!!! Flashing Lights! Panic!

(AURORA, hooded RABBIT, DEWDROP & ROTOR ENTER firing toy machine guns.)

AURORA We are the Animal Liberation Strike Force and we are here to rescue you. Do not be afraid!

DEWDROP Hold still while I shoot off your manacles!

(LEPRECHAUNS scream and jump as DEWDROP fires at their feet. While jumping, their feet come out of the elastic loops. KIDNAPPERS ENTER)

KIDNAPPER 1 Hey! What’s going on!

KIDNAPPER 2 KEESTER It’s those Animal Rights Kooks!

AURORA Die, animal exploiters!

(LIBERATORS shoot Kidnappers dead .)

DEWDROP (to Leprechauns) Are there other prisoners we need to rescue?

LEPRECHAUNS No. Just us!

LUCKY But what about the Kee–

LEPRECHAUNS [shove LUCKY] Stuff it!

DEWDROP: Get out! Get out! To the helicopter!

(ALL EXIT except dead Kidnappers.)

(KIDNAPPERS get up.)

KIDNAPPER 3 Dad Blast It!!!! They’re using toy weapons again. Why do we always fall for that?

HELICOPTER NOISE #!#!#!#!#!#!

LEPRECHAUN VOICES (from backstage)

Nyaah-nyaah--nyaah--nyaah--nyaah- You can’t catch us!

KIDNAPPER 1 (looks up) And there goes their helicopter. They’re gone! Tartar sauce!

(KIDNAPPER 2 sees LEELA’S letter, looks at it.)

KEEBLERS [ENTER] What’s going on?

KEEBLER 1 Hey! Where are the leprechauns?

KIDNAPPER #3 We sent them off to . . . ummm . . . dig latrines.

KEEBLERS Hooray! We’re getting latrines!

KEEBLER 2 This calls for a special cookie!

KEEBLER 3 One with sprinkles!

KEEBLER 1 That’s appropriate!

KEEBLERS Ha ha ha! With Sprinkles! [EXIT]

KIDNAPPER 2-KEESTER (crumples letter and throws it down) Time for damage control.

(KIDNAPPERS EXIT same way the others escaped. )

(CLOSE CURTAIN)

SCENE 5: LUCKY GETS HIS FAN MAIL

GLADYS, LUCKY

(CLOSED CURTAIN: GLADYS WOODS pushes out a desk, with envelopes in the drawer, a trash can w/papers, and chair. Puts on a virtual headset.)

GLADYS I wish the janitors would put things back after cleaning. [types, speaks to audience]

I am not fond of these new virtual keyboards. Typing in the air. I feel like an idiot.

(LUCKY approaches cautiously from other side.)

LUCKY Yoo-hoo? Gladys? Gladys???

GLADYS Lucky! I didn’t expect to see you here. Not with your face on all those wanted posters. How did you get past security?

LUCKY They all still think I’m 3 feet tall.

GLADYS Yes, chuckle, I still think of you that way too.

LUCKY So you’re not afraid of me, Gladys? You’re not pressing an alarm button under your desk?

GLADYS What? These buttons? They're stage props. Like Julia Child's emergency phone. Couldn’t call security if I wanted to.

Besides, I’m not afraid of you, Lucky. I know you couldn’t have done all those terrible things: hacking into Sing With Me Elmo, and cigar ads aimed at children, and I know you never had a torrid affair with Simon from American Idol. (shiver of revulsion)

I know they just want to destroy your reputation, so they can renege on your pension and prevent you from hiring into Kellogg’s or going generic.

They do it all the time.

LUCKY Oh, well, thanks for believing in me, Gladys.

GLADYS Oh, that’s OK. So, what can I do for you?

LUCKY I was hoping to pick up my last paycheck.... and all my fan mail... for my scrapbook.

GLADYS Oh, I do scrap-booking too! But, I’m sorry, Lucky. Your paycheck is right here in the stack to be shredded, but your fan mail has all been destroyed.

LUCKY No!

GLADYS Your Director, Ralph Keester had it all incinerated when he cleaned out that storage room to do your last shoot.

LUCKY No! That was Count Chocula fan mail!

GLADYS Heavens to Betsy, NO! Count Chocula’s fan mail is too valuable. It fills an entire airplane hangar at the old airfield and the best is displayed in the General Mills Museum of Art.

You should talk to Ralph -- he hand delivers all fan mail to the stars.

LUCKY (despairing, near tears) Ohhhh...

GLADYS Oh, you poor thing. Maybe there is something for you in today’s mail. ( sorts through stack) Let's see, bills, summons, Political PAC fundraiser, lawsuits .... Yes! Three letters, one from a child and two from leprechauns!

LUCKY (looking at them) It’s true. I do get fan mail from leprechauns!

GLADYS Of course you do! Always have! They are your biggest fans. Who did you think those letters were from?

LUCKY I never got them!

GLADYS Of course you did. You wrote back. I handed your letters to the mailman myself. I specifically remember because I always had to add postage. It was a petty cash nightmare. (aside) And I thought the Scottish were cheap.

LUCKY These letters I wrote – who brought them to you?

GLADYS Ralph, of course.

LUCKY Smoking gun!!! Thank you, Gladys! You’re a doll! (LUCKY EXITS)

GLADYS Oh, hee hee hee. You’re welcome Lucky.

GLADYS (to audience) Such a sweet fellow. If he weren’t so much older than me, I’d be interested in him. (EXITS)

(CURTAIN CLOSES)

SCENE 6: CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS

ANNOUNCER 1 -

ANNOUNCER 2 -

SENATOR 1 –

SENATOR 2 –

DEWDROP -

AURORA –

TRIX RABBIT –

LUDWIG –

LEELA –

LAFFY –

TOUR GUIDE

TOURISTS

COOKIE LADY

CURTAIN STILL CLOSED

ANNOUNCERS ENTER STAGE APRON

ANNOUNCER 1 Welcome back to C-Span. Oh, do you have my script?

ANNOUNCER 2 (holding a paper) No, this is the Hoagie Hut menu.

ANNOUNCER 1 I’m not used to these commercial breaks.

ANNOUNCER 2 Well GET used to them. The Iraq-Iran-Israeli-Arabian-Afghanistan-North Korean -Mexican Immigrant War has to be paid for somehow!

ANNOUNCER 1 ahem We are here at the Congressional Hearings on animal-human hybrids already in progress.

ANNOUNCER 2 The witnesses are testifying in exchange for immunity for their crimes against science labs.

ANNOUNCER 1 Of course, destroying science labs saved the federal government 50 billion dollars in grants.

(CURTAIN OPENS)

ANNOUNCER 2 Look! A new witness is testifying...

DEWDROP My name is Dewdrop, and this is Aurora. We are fighters with the Animal Liberation Strike Force.

(reading)

Twelve years ago, we liberated the animals at a particularly exploitative testing lab. Besides the animals forced to wear make-up, drive Barbie cars and listen to boy bands,

(shiver of revulsion)

we also found a hybrid human–rabbit embryo, still in its test tube, discarded in the waste can. The tag explained it was accidentally created when a lab tech sneezed into a vial containing rabbit DNA. We implanted the embryo in my womb, and I gave birth to little Rupert 12 years ago. (pats RABBIT on the head)

SENATOR 1 I didn’t realize the Animal Liberation Movement concerned itself with the rights of the unborn.

DEWDROP It was an unborn RABBIT!

SENATOR 1 Oh. Please continue.

DEWDROP Rupert was raised in a human vegan home. He learned speech and passed all developmental milestones expected of a human child. However, at the age of 10 he appeared to achieve adulthood and was allowed to go out on his own. He got a job as the spokes-rabbit for Trix cereal, (shiver of revulsion)

and we respected his decision. He has been a productive member of society ever since.

SENATOR 2 Until he was arrested for breaking and entering and destruction of property.

Sneaking into homes and clobbering bowls of cereal! Terrorizing the city as a “cereal killer”!

You call that productive?

AURORA (standing in fury) He has a rabbit’s digestive system but he is addicted to that evil junk food Trix cereal!

DEW DROP (standing) He craves it but cannot digest it! Who is the real villain here!

RABBIT Actually, I was just wallowing in self-pity.

Dr Dora set me straight. Trixie was wrong for me.

DEWDROP & AURORA Who?

RABBIT That’s why I mailed out those apologies.

DEWDROP See! Apologies! He mailed out apologies and the police tracked him down by his hybrid DNA from licking the envelope.

AURORA This creature is not a danger to society.

SENATOR 2 That is for us to decide. Please tell me about your most recent “liberation”.

DEWDROP We got a tip from one of our members, “Invisible Howard”...

(RABBIT rolls his eyes guiltily)

Who overheard what he recognized was a kidnapping. He recognized the voice of the victim and called out our strike force. We arrived on the scene in time to follow the kidnappers’ vehicle to the hidden site of the Lucky Charms Marshmallow Mine where enslaved leprechauns were being forced to magically turn stones into marshmallows. We liberated them all. It was very disturbing.

AURORA Very disturbing.

SENATOR 1 The conditions of slavery?

AURORA No, that they were leprechauns. Our tipster told us they were forest creatures. But leprechauns are not animals. They are a meat-eating breed of human (revulsion) and not even mentioned in our mission statement. The tipster has been punished for his lie.

SENATOR 1 How did you punish him?

DEWDROP With a spanking.

AURORA It is the code. Spanked in, spanked out.

SENATOR 1 You spanked a person????

RABBIT It was me. I confess!

SENATOR 1 Oh, a rabbit-hybrid. Never mind.

SENATOR 2 You did a lot of damage to that facility. Smashed marshmallows all over the carpet. Very expensive steam cleaning was required. Don’t you care?

DEWDROP & AURORA No.

SENATOR 1 I think this is a good time to hear the testimony of the freed leprechauns. Bring them in, please.

(ENTER TOURIST GUIDE escorting LEELA, LAFFY AND LUDWIG who sit. TOUR GUIDE EXITS.)

SENATOR 1 (speaks to leprechauns as if they were toddlers) Oh what little cuties!Please tell us your names.

LEELA I’m Leela the Leprechaun.

LAFFY I’m Laffy the Leprechaun.

LUDWIG I’m Ludwig the Leprechaun.

SENATOR 2 Please tell us what happened after the Animal Liberation force liberated you?

LAFFY (angry) The bloody toad lovers dumped us at the Shamrock Dairy!

LUDWIG The nutters said it was our natural habitat!

LAFFY Mad as a box of frogs, they is.

LEELA I wished them all donkey tails on their butts!

[Startled, DEWDROP & AURORA feel their butts and pull forward donkey’s tails.]

SENATOR 1 (to Dewdrop) What was your purpose at the Shamrock Dairy?

DEWDROP We recruited the cows to form a union.

SENATOR 2 Oh! Cows forming unions. This could be very bad.

SENATOR 1 What if they strike? We’d have to make it illegal –

(TOUR GUIDE ENTERS followed by TOURISTS who stare about and snap photos of Senators and selfies as they cross the stage.)

TOUR GUIDE – Here in the Congressional Chamber of Power, the Legislative Branch of Government is engaged in Investigative Investigations to assist our Lawmakers to Make America America again.

Come along, please.

No photography allowed.

No selfies allowed! That is what I meant by no photography! It is time for us to leave!

We are hindering democracy!

(the tourists are ignoring the Guide)

The food trucks are leaving in 3 minutes!

(TOURISTS run, pushing TOUR GUIDE aside. ALL EXIT.)

TOUR GUIDE - Hey I’m supposed to be in front!

SENATOR 1 Do you notice that these tours are getting more frequent? And they never warn us – Oh, never mind! Where were we? Oh, yes. Cow prisons. Such complications. The cells would have to be much larger and cleaner to avoid animal abuse, but the food costs would be about the same.

SENATOR 2 What if we changed the law for mixing cow and human prison populations.

LAFFY Cows! Don’t you dressed-to-the-nine rotters care about leprechauns in slavery?

LEELA & LUDWIG Yeah!

DEWDROP Or little Rupert ! Arrested for an eating disorder?

SENATOR 2 Rupert is neither human nor animal so he has no rights, and leprechauns are not even real.

(LEELA falls over dead!)

LAFFY You killed her! You said you didn’t believe in leprechauns.

LUDWIG (runs to plead to audience) For the love of all that’s good and sacred! Someone, please say you believe in leprechauns! (repeat)

(When someone does, Leela comes back to life.)

LEELA Who killed me! I’ll give ‘im a pig nose!

SENATOR 1 Thank you Leprechauns! You may go! The nice lady outside will give you each a Keebler cookie!

LEPRECHAUNS Bleacchhhh!

COOKIE LADY (ENTERING with a plate of cookies): Lemony frosting with sprinkles!

LUDWIG Dunna give us those manky muffins!

(LUDWIG smacks the plate out of her hands and LEPRECHAUNS cast curses at Senators.)

LAFFY A pox on you!

LEELA May your tongue bleat like a goat!

(LAFFY & LUDWIG & LEELA EXIT.)

SENATOR 1: Order in the chamber! Order in the --BLEAT BLEAT (hands form hooves, continue bleating)

SENATOR 2: Turn off the cameras! I have a spreading and terrible itch.

(SENATORS spasm.

SENATOR 1 head butts SENATOR 2.)

DEWDROP I think we got off easy with just donkey tails.

AURORA You said it.

RABBIT Is all this my fault?

(DEWDROP, AURORA, RABBIT EXIT)

CURTAIN CLOSES as SENATOR 1 tries to eat it.

[ANNOUNCERS ENTER scratching.]

ANNOUNCER 1 Wow! Didn’t see that coming! Stay tuned for Celebrity Senator Dance-Off!

ANNOUNCER 2 After this word from our sponsor!

(ANNOUNCERS EXIT)

SCENE 7: LUCKY CALLS FOR BACKUP

CLOSED CURTAIN-SET CHANGE SCENE

(LUCKY ENTERS with phone, calls)

LUCKY Hello? _____________[community college]

Could I have the Theater Department?

You don’t have one? But we had some actors from your college here.

Oh.... It’s called Performing Arts... could I have that department?

Hello! I need the pool of actors that do internships at GM Studios?.........

You don’t have a pool of intern actors?

It’s called the Community Fulfillment Exchange?

No, I don’t know any of their matriculation numbers....

[GROWL of frustration]

How about this: Do you have a dingy cafe in the Student Union basement?

You do? Bingo! Please connect me.

[Hum, then sing/skip “Tiptoe thru the Tulips” on hold.]

Tiptoe through the window
By the window, that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through the tulips with me

Oh, tiptoe from the garden
By the garden of the willow tree
And tiptoe through the tulips with me

Knee deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me? ---[call connects]

Oh, Hello! Cuisine-O-Rama???.... Yes, would you please page “Housewife Distressed by Odor”?

No, I'm not a crank. That's ok. I’m used to it. Yeah. Thanks.

Hi, this is Lucky the Leprechaun. And I’m your biggest fan! I was really impressed with your talent. And delivery. And aim ..............

No, just a few bruises and they’ve healed.

Hey, can you find the other actor and the crew and meet me this afternoon? I have an idea for a show and I think you’ll find it verrrrry interesting.

(EXITS still on phone.)

And do you have anyone who can do makeup and fake hair?

SCENE 8: LUCKY CHARMS’ NEW MASCOT

DIRECTOR RALPH KEESTER

LOOPY [former LUDWIG]

LEELA

LAFFY

HOST John Groovy (disguised ACTOR from Scene 1)

LUCKY

TRIX RABBIT

GLADYS WOODS - I

CAM 1 (DEWDROP)– A

CAM 2 (AURORA) - B

CREW 3 (ROTOR) – C

DETECTIVE (ACTRESS) - E

COP - J

[When CREW play other characters, they can “come out of their disguise” for their lines and leave their cameras on tripods.\

(Set of TV interview. 2 cameras, 1 host. 3 chairs, 2 chairs at the side for later.)

OPEN CURTAIN

CAMERA 1 [with finger countdown] Five, four, three, two -----, --------!

MUSIC – fade in and out

HOST (acts stoned) Hey Hey Hey! Welcome to What’s New and Cool? This is our first show on Public Access, plus we are podcasting and blog- sharing on NASA TV!

I’m your host, John Groovy and I have got the newest and coolest news for all you hip kids out there!

Guess what??? Lucky Charms has a new mascot! Here he is and the man who discovered him!

(ENTER KEESTER & LOOPY – formerly Ludwig – who skips around.)

HOST Hey, come in! Sit down. Wow! The little guy is too amped up to sit down. He is so cool!

So, so, what’s your name – I forget. I’m not all here, really...

KEESTER Hello, John. I’ll just introduce myself. I’m Ralph Keester, and I’m Publicity Director at General Mills TV Production Studios.

And I am proud to introduce our new Lucky Charms Leprechaun Mascot, Loopy!

LOOPY [poses] They’re magically delicious!

HOST Ha ha! He’s cute! Did you catch him!

KEESTER I’d be a rich man with a pot of gold if I did, eh, John?

HOST Ha ha ha. What am I laughing at?

KEESTER I discovered him, John. We’ve been doing tryouts for months and this little guy Loopy has the spark we are looking for.

HOST What happened to your old mascot, uh, what was his name?

KEESTER Lucky was his name. Easy to forget. Well, Lucky, outgrew the job and frankly stopped being a good example for the kids. He began endorsing dangerous products for children, consorting with criminals, wheww!

HOST I heard about his parties. Wow, man. He could go through a lot of clover.

KEESTER A lot.

HOST Just what does a leprechaun do with clover?

KEESTER I don’t want to think about it.

HOST Wow, all that clover.....

KEESTER Would you like to talk to Loopy?

HOST Oh, yeah! Hey Loopy, my little buddy. Have a seat. Where are you from?

LOOPY (sits) Uh.... (looks at Keester)

KEESTER He’s from Ireland. Came over just for the try-outs.

(LEELA & LAFFY ENTER running, leap & action pose.)

LAFFY 200 years ago he came from Ireland!

But last week he was with us!

LEELA Trapped in your slave mines!

Making marshmallows for beer!

LAFFY Then he sold out! Bloody nixer!

LOOPY Well I’m a star now!

LEELA Traitor! (zap zap)

LAFFY Muggle Lover! (zap zap)

LOOPY Wanna-bees! (zap zap)

(Leprechauns zap at each other – Host and Keester take cover.)

HOST Hey hey! Chill out little people! Can’t we all just get along? Can we get 2 more chairs?

(CREW 3 brings chairs. Everyone sits, Leprechauns, glaring at each other.)

HOST You’re right. He is the cutest. That one’s just funny looking. (leprechaun glares) Sorry!

(drops the stoned hippie act – becomes serious)

So, what’s the story, Ralph? What is this about slave leprechauns in a marshmallow mine?

KEESTER (realizes it is a trap) Oh, that... that was a script pilot we were reading.

LUCKY [ENTER – leap in dramatically] Script pilot, huh? The set seemed amazingly real while I was imprisoned there.

KEESTER More hallucinations, Lucky? Why don’t you check yourself in as the doctor ordered.

LUCKY Oh, I’m not hallucinating, Ralph. I was there, with others of my fellow leprechauns. Tell him!

LAFFY Yeah! It’s in a big cavern -

LEELA Under the studio parking lot.

(RABBIT ENTERS,

DEWDROP & AURORA toss off their disguises as Crew.)

DEWDROP We followed you there from Lucky’s apartment.

AURORA Where you kidnapped him!

RABBIT I heard it on the radio!

KEESTER The radio??? This is a good story. I should be writing it down.

Hey, aren’t you that rabbit they arrested – the Cereal Killer? Why aren’t you locked away – or at least in a hutch or something?

RABBIT (recognition) I know you! You were the director on my first Trix cereal shoot!

KEESTER Yeah, I remember you -- you were a pig. Slobbering milk down your chin. Saying your lines with chewed up food in your mouth.

DEWDROP Rupert! I thought you couldn’t eat Trix without getting sick!

RABBIT That first shoot I could. Then after that I always got sick.

KEESTER Yeah, after I spiked your Trix yogurt with microbes that react to Red #40, Yellow #6 and Blue #1.

That cured you, and the “Silly Rabbit - Trix is for Kids” marketing sensation was born.

RABBIT (attacking him) I’m not a silly rabbit!

KEESTER Get off me bunny boy!

(to Lucky & Rabbit) You two are has-beens. No one will believe you.

(to Rabbit) You – an out of control breakfast attacker!

(to Lucky) And you – Marketing vodka to 4 year olds!

LUCKY You photo-shopped my face onto that!

KEESTER Don’t believe you! No one does!

GLADYS (ENTERING) Do you think they’ll believe me, Ralph Keester?

KEESTER (fearful) Gladys!

GLADYS Sorry I’m late, Lucky. Let me introduce myself! I am Gladys Woods, the Executive Secretary of General Mills. It is well known that I am the most competent person in the corporation. And I know that you, Ralph Keester, have been diverting Lucky’s fan mail from leprechauns and writing them back yourself! How do I know? (pause)

I said, “How do I know?”

EVERYONE How do you know?

GLADYS Because they were typed – and Lucky, poor thing, can’t type.

LUCKY It’s true! Every time I tap on the keys, they turn to marshmallows!

LAFFY (points at Keester) He wrote the letters!

LEELA You kidnapped us!

LOOPY You told me it was Lucky!

KEESTER Yeah, well maybe it was me. Someone had to keep the magically delicious marshmallow supply coming. And it paid very well.

DETECTIVE (ENTERING or revealing self, followed by COP) Writing fake letters, kidnapping leprechauns and working them as slaves. Infecting the Trix Rabbit and slandering Lucky the Leprechaun. You are going away for a long time, Keester.

KEESTER Yeah, it is about time I had a vacation. I should be getting a bonus soon. Maybe Hawaii.

DETECTIVE You are pretty cocky, Keester. Are you sure you don’t want to call your lawyer?

KEESTER For what? Bunny-Boy isn’t animal or human, neither fish nor fowl – he has no rights. And leprechauns aren’t even real!

(LOOPY drops dead.)

Oh, all right. I believe in leprechauns.

(LOOPY revives looking confused, then mad.)

DETECTIVE (Gasp.) He’s right. I can’t arrest him for anything.

LUCKY Leprechauns! You know what to do!

LEELA You’re gonna be sorry

LOOPY that we got so much practice

LAFFY turning rocks into marshmallows!

(LEPRECHAUNS zap KEESTER.)

LEPRECHAUNS Marshmallow –icious! (repeat)

KEESTER Ow! No! No! Please! Ow! I can cure the Trix Rabbit!

RABBIT Please! Stop! Show him mercy!

KEESTER Thank you! Here is the secret: The good microbes in Yoplait yogurt will counteract the bad microbes I infected you with!

RABBIT Really! Thanks! Ok, go at him again!

LEPRECHAUNS Marshmallow-icious! (repeat)

(Cameras move in on KEESTER as he goes down.

ACTOR and ACTRESS come onto stage apron as

CURTAIN CLOSES behind them.)

DETECTIVE (ACTRESS) Great performance!

JOHN GROOVY (ACTOR) Aw, I was terrible.

I didn’t know you were a detective. (This line presumes the Detective actor played a part in Scene 1.)

DETECTIVE Just until I make it in the Big Time!

(CAMERA CREW ENTER and join them.)

CREW 1 What a great shoot!

CREW 2 This is the extra credit project we needed to graduate!

CREW 1 or 3 Plus I scored some clover from the leprechaun!

ACTRESS You-Tube here we come! (ALL pose!)

(CURTAIN CLOSES, OPENS, BOWS)

=================

BOWS

During bows, the Trix Rabbit comes out eating from a box of Trix cereal.