EXCERPTS — Tech Notes are separate.

CHARACTERS

Alexis or Alex:

Dr. Frankenstreudel:

Eyegore:

Misty:

Ned:

Petunia:

Winston:

Old Man or Lady Wellard:

Mr. Dry Bones:

Mrs. Death Breath:

Mrs. Rattle Walk:

====================== EXCERPTS FROM THE SCRIPT =============

SCENE 1: JOB OPENING at DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL’S LAB

(In front of CLOSED CURTAIN ALEXIS ENTERS, running on putting on jacket and cap.)

ALEXIS: Mom! I’m going to go apply for a job!

MOM’S VOICE: A job! Oh, honey, you’re too young!

ALEXIS: It’s just a few hours after school helping in a science lab! It’ll be fun!

[—-LINE SKIPPED —- ]

(CURTAIN OPENS)

(SETTING: Crude science laboratory. Old equipment mixed with the touch of a housewife, for instance a microscope on a doily. A clothesline with rubber gloves and women’s undergarments.

Front door Exit upstage left.

Inner Door Exit downstage right.

Table with microscope DSLeft with bloody bucket on the center side.

New Creature downstage right laying Left to Right with head towards stage center.

Operating table upstage centerish with walking space around it.

Open window covered with frilly curtains near scientific lab equipment including electrocution lever upstage of New Creature.)

(DR. FRANKENSTREUDEL enters doing research, looks through microscope. Misty lurks under operating table.

DR. F pulls out microscope slide and looks at it confused, then with dawning horror grabs other slides and inspects them.)

DR. F: (sweetly, sing-song, but simmering with fury) - Eyegore? What did you do to my cellular matrix sample microscope slides???

EYEGORE’S VOICE: I washed them! They were filthy, but my new lemony Sunburst dish detergent sparkled them clean!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: (looking around at the weird lab) Hi. My name is Alexis. I, uh, saw your ad for the job... (perky) “Bright student wanted for lab assistant.” (unsure) Is this the right address?

DR. F: (grabbing ALEXIS’ sleeve and turning her around for a hands-on inspection, opening lips and eyelids.)

Aaaah, yes! Healthy, strong, and young. The eyes speak of intelligence. Teeth: no decay, well cleansed. Braincase capacity? (wraps measuring tape around her head) Sufficient. . . . . Ears? Very sanitary. And sensitive? (Blows).

ALEXIS: (jumps from blow in ear) Yipe!

DR. F: Excellent!You are good with the math, I hope??

ALEXIS: (proudly) Oh, yes! I get A’s on all my tests!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

EYEGORE: (clumsily lifting jacket and cap off her) Such a sweet child. Would you like some cinnamon toast and prune juice?

ALEXIS: (amazed at the sweet talk from the hideous face) Uh, no thank-you.........

(trying to decide if he is male or female)

...... ma’am..sir?
EYEGORE: Goodness! This button is about to fall off. I hope I have some thread in this color...hmmm, evening lavender? Morning violet? (Takes out sewing kit stage left and sews button)

DR. F: (throws arm around Alexis's shoulder and walks her away from Eyegore) Eyegore is on his second brain. His first brain was the brain of our postman, but, (releasing ALEXIS) Aaach! he drove me crazy always moving my instruments and papers, here and there, all around the lab. I couldn’t find a thing! He just couldn’t get out of the delivery habit.

ALEXIS: I see.... But this is his second brain?…..

DR. F: (pulling ALEXIS to upstage of creature) Enough chit-chat! Now, we will see if all those tests with the A’s mean you know anything useful. (sweeps sheet off of creature) My newest creation! So beautiful! So powerful! Heart, lungs, glands -- every part a perfect choice. Her head will tower above the rest!

ALEXIS: Is she a love mate for Eyegore?

DR. F: (snort-laughs ) Love mate! Excuse me (wiping nose)... No, Eyegore needs a lap poodle, not a love mate. I won’t say Eyegore is o

EYEGORE: Is that mangy creature in the house? (grabs broom and chases MISTY out) Out! Out! Disinfectant and hot water! (EXITS, returning with mop and bucket, mops vigorously)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR. F: My creature needs to be infused with hemoglobin (HEE-mo-glo-bin), which is?????

ALEXIS: Red blood cells!

DR. F: (retrieving package of Hemo from table) Good, good! The instructions on this package of hemoglobin concentrate say to mix 1 part hemoglobin with 4 parts water. If I use 8 quarts of water, how much hemoglobin concentrate will I need?

ALEXIS: (holding up 1 finger and 4 fingers) Hmmm, one part hemoglobin to 4 parts water. The water is 8 quarts. 8 divided by 4 = 2. So that is 2 quarts of hemoglobin!

DR. F: Very good mathematical conceptualization!!

ALEXIS: (embarrassed but loves the compliment) Aaaaah, gee. I always do my math homework.

DR. F: And it shows. (she realizes Alexis can be manipulated with compliments) Now, smart cookie, what makes red blood cells red?

ALEXIS: Oxygen!

EYEGORE: (blurting) Blood stains are just dreadful to get out of clothing!!!

(lifting bloody bucket)

Oh, the hours I spend in cold water scrubbings!!! (carrying bucket from stage right to between ALEXIS and DR. F.)

Just look at these wretched bloody garments that I’m soaking.

(Lifts bloody dripping clothing from bucket)

DR. F: Eyegore! I think I hear your soufflé falling

EYEGORE: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, dear, dear!!

(Eyegore panics, turning left and right, swinging bucket as Doc & Alexis duck, tries to hand it to Alexis who recoils, finally Eyegore frantically sets bucket down stage right of ALEXIS, EXITS stage right,

ALEXIS curiously goes to look in bucket.)

DR. F: (pulls ALEXIS’ head away from bucket and walks her to center downstage)

Smart girl like you needn’t concern herself with dirty laundry. I see grand scientific breakthroughs in your future!
[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: Is that the reason there is a “condemned” sign on the front door?

DR. F: One of the reasons. (turns, stepping downstage, brooding) Imbecilic city council. Pandering to those nostalgic yokels.

(exaggerated varied character voices:)

“My little Fluffy is missing,”

“My little boy cries every night for his puppy,”

“My cattle need their intestines,”

“My twins aren’t identical any more.”

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR. F: (exasperated) What is it now, Eyegore!? Did your soufflé fall?

EYEGORE: My embossed silverware collection is ruined! ( throws his left arm over Alexis's shoulder and thrusts bent spoons under her nose) Those dreadful little wretches bent up my best spoons prying the bars on their cages!

(sobs on ALEXIS’ shoulder.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

(ALEXIS looks at the operating table, at the creature’s empty skull, at the knives, and to the faces of DR. F and EYEGORE, and to the audience - Shock of realization!)
ALEXIS: Oh my gosh! I just remembered that I forgot to do my homework.

(ALEXIS runs to front door but it is locked. Although nearly hysterical, she struggles to speak casually as she struggles with the door knob. DR. F advances from ALEXIS ‘ upstage side, while EYEGORE curves to downstage of ALEXIS. They stalk her, slowly, ready to pounce, taking scurrying steps each time she looks away. DR. F will reach the wall upstage of the door and EYEGORE will reach the wall downstage of the door and both will advance toward ALEXIS.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

(EYEGORE snaps out of his hypnotic state and runs to other side of operating table, gets dosing syringe full of water and accidentally squirts the audience in his fumbling panic.)

DR F: You idiot! Use the other syringe!

(Eyegore grabs the 2nd water-filled syringe and fumbling again, squirts the Doc in the face, causing her to let go of Alexis and grab her face as with a scream.

ALEXIS rolls off the table and falls onto the floor.

EYEGORE panics and runs to block the Inner Door. ALEXIS runs toward that door and tries to zigzag dodge around EYEGORE, but in her attempted dash around him, EYEGORE grabs her arm and she ends up running around him spinning him until he is so dizzy he falls on his behind and let’s go at the moment that the release sends her stumbling towards the DOCTOR who is just regaining sight. ALEXIS shoves the Doc and dives under operating table. DR F tries to grab her but she keeps out of reach.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: (staring in dawning horror at the creature’s empty skull)

Tower above the rest?!

(turns to scream in horror at DR. F)

I said, “She doesn’t look complete,” and you said, “SOON EVERYTHING I NEED WILL BE IN PLACE!”

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR. F: I knew that rotten kid was smart.

EYEGORE: Ohhh, I broke a fingernail!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR. F: Eyegore!!! She’s tracking mud everywhere!!

EYEGORE: Eeeeeek!! Stop, you little ruffian!

Don’t step on the Oriental rugs!!

Where were you born? In a barn???

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

SCENE 2: ALEXIS’ ESCAPE (BEFORE CLOSED CURTAIN)

(Alexis runs into audience from Stage Right side of curtain. Proceeds up right side aisle, and pauses between first and second row.)

ALEXIS: Which way? Which way? There must be a door out of here that is not locked! Wait… this looks familiar. Haven’t I been this way before? Am I walking in circles? . . . . It’s so dark down that hallway, something could reach out and grab me.. ohhhh, it’s so bright down that hallway, there’s no place to hide... which way? Oh I should have drawn a map

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

(During lines: EYEGORE lumbers after ALEXIS the length of third row. ALEXIS loses him by looping back down the 2nd row to the center aisle, and back up to third row and hiding there as EYEGORE continues down the stage right side aisle to his exit behind the stage right curtain.)

EYEGORE: (while chasing) There you are you little rascal! You’re going to sit in the corner! But first I’m going to wash your face. It’s all dirty! Come back here...EXITS

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

SCENE 3: DUNGEON

(CURTAIN OPENS)

(From stage L to R: Ned, Petunia, and Winston are in cages with hinges on stage right. Alexis runs in from upstage left, stumbling, behind them)

NED: Someone’s here!

PETUNIA: Which one?

WINSTON: The footsteps are light. It’s not Eyegore.

WINSTON, NED AND PETUNIA: (terrified) Then it’s the doctor!!!

(THE KIDS panic, scurrying in their tiny cages.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: Who are YOU? Wait. (walks across looking at each cage. Stops other side of cages.)

Don’t you all go to my school??

NED: Yeah, I know you. You’re Alexis. You won the school spelling bee. I’m Ned, this is my sister Petunia and that’s Winston.

ALEXIS: (who cares?) Whatever. Yeah, I remember you all. You’re in that class for kids who don’t do their homework. And, let me guess. You all flunked the doctor’s job examination.

PETUNIA: Rub our noses in it why don’t you?

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: (laughing) These are sliding bolts. You could have opened them yourselves just by tipping your cages. Like this!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

NED: (still kicking) So? You’re a big rescue jerk! You’re a 911 nightmare!

PETUNIA: Stop it, Ned. That’s wrong.

Go for the kneecaps! (kicks ALEXIS’ knee)

ALEXIS: OW!!! ( rubs knee)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

WINSTON: Well, they’ll certainly look here soon. Let’s cut the gab and get out.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: OH!!?? So we just march off into who knows where???........ Hey! Wait for me!

SCENE 4: THE PANTRY -

(BEGIN WITH CLOSED CURTAIN)

(Immediately, KIDS ENTER, audience area .)

Set stage for Pantry behind closed curtain.)

ALEXIS: Is this the way out?

WINSTON: I don’t know. (they take a corner)

ALEXIS: Is this the way out?

WINSTON: I don’t know. (they take a corner)

ALEXIS: Is this the way out?

WINSTON: I DON’T KNOW!!!!

OTHERS: Shhhh!!!
ALEXIS: Which way is north?

PETUNIA: Up.

ALEXIS: So why does the doctor keep you in cages? What does she want you for?

WINSTON: I don’t know, but we’re not the only ones who have been kept down there. The healthiest ones she takes....

PETUNIA: And they come back missing their ears or something.

NED: Until she takes them and they don’t come back.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

(THE PANTRY: Shelves of body parts in jars and a plasma ray shining on them, telephone on far end of stage. MISTY is hidden. KIDS enter. PETUNIA lingers at end of stage looking back to see if they are being followed.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: But body parts can’t survive just sitting in jars. Even in alcohol, the cells still die.

PETUNIA: (opening jar and sniffing) These are in water.

NED: (tugging on her arm holding jar, making it splash) Petunia, I’m thirsty.

PETUNIA: (replacing lid tightly) Later, Ned! We’ll get you a drink later.

ALEXIS: Body parts in water? And they aren’t even refrigerated. Not that that works for very long. In hospitals they chill body parts to slow down their metabolism, but that just works for a few hours, and then they have to be transplanted, or they die.

WINSTON: You’re right. (picks up jar and blows off dust) And these have been here a loooong time, but they still look.... (sniff) and smell healthy. That’s impossible!

NED: Maybe its the light. (pointing to plasma ray)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: Good idea, Ned! (points it out the window Stage Left.)

FX: PHONE: Ring.......ring.......ring.......

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

(KIDS realize they can be seen through the shelves.)

ALEXIS: She can see us!

WINSTON: Play dead!

( They hang hands and feet over shelves or inside jars, and roll their eyes, hang out their tongues and rest their heads on the shelves, impersonating body parts. This is hilarious if they can hold their “dead” faces.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

NED: Why didn’t WE use the phone to call for help?

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

WINSTON: (sigh) Yes, Ned, you saw the ray gun. Now let’s put our heads together to figure out how to escape. And what did that phone call mean?

PETUNIA: Well, obviously the doctor is kidnapping babies. She probably holds them for ransom. We’ve got to get out. Come on.

WINSTON: Wait. Listen. I know everyone hates this horrible room, but since the doctor was just here, she isn’t going to check back for a while. It’s the safest place in the whole building.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: (oh, you’re so stupid) Transplant rejection. Our immune systems only recognize our own body cells and they attack everything else.

ALEXIS: Like when you get a splinter? And it gets pus around it? That pus is white blood cells attacking the splinter.

PETUNIA: So what??? That’s a splinter.

ALEXIS: Well, see, that’s the point. Your immune system attacks bad stuff like splinters and germs, but unfortunately it also attacks good stuff like a transplanted heart or liver.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

MISTY: (revealing itself) Yeah being sick all the time is a bummer.

KIDS: Scream!!

ALEXIS: You’re that ...animal thing, Misty!

MISTY: Yeah, Misty. Short for Mistake, as in experimental mistake. I was the Doctor’s first creature. Bloodhound nose, goat stomach, rabbit ears, ape muscles, human brain; I’m the best of the best. Right???? (to ALEXIS) Too bad you didn’t work for Dr. Frankly-Stupid then. You could have told her about transplant rejection. None of my parts get along; my runny nose, nauseous stomach, muscle spasms and brain seizures are an embarrassment to her. She grudgingly allows me just enough immune suppressant drugs to stay alive, but sick all the time. cough cough, heave

WINSTON: Poor…. .thing?

MISTY: Thing is right! But the doc’s next creature should have all the bugs worked out. She’s installing a more “flexible” immune system, from a YOUNG donor. (face to face with Ned)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

MISTY: “Lead the way!” What musical words. This is like... like... Oh! Having friends, and we go places together. Oh, wow! After we escape here, we can go to the mall and hang out!

You’re not going to regret this. I know this place like the back of my paw.

Right through here, down this laundry chute (they get off stage)

(Misty is pointing to people in the audience.)

And now be very quiet as we go past these sleeping mutant chimps. You don’t want to wake them up. You’d never believe what chimps throw.

Over here... through this secret passage..

(past the snackbar.) Thru this doggie door into this storeroom of caustic chemicals and animal byproducts.

Now down this hallway, past this row of hideous gargoyles ......ewww, they give me the creeps. Oh, look: a baby gargoyle – it’s so ugly it’s cute.

Ughhh! This place is a mess! I told the doc, “Don’t dissect the cleaning lady at least until she’s cleaned the whole place”, but, no, she just couldn’t wait.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

Eww! Don’t step in that puddle.... I don’t know if the drip from that cupboard is ever going to stop.

Pheww! What a smell!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

MISTY: (Howls or animal noise)

NED: What’s wrong Misty? Are you hurt?

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: You betrayed us!

DR. F: (patting its head) Good work, Misty.

MISTY: (pawing the doc) You’ll give me my medicine now, doc, won’t you? You promised!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

EYEGORE: Puppies come home!

NED: (pointing behind EYEGORE’s head) Cobwebs! On the ceiling!!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

(DR. F chases KIDS in loop through audience, eventually trapping the kids when they meet EYEGORE who has advanced up the aisle to their row. EYEGORE grabs BIG KIDS in bear hug. DR. F laughs from the center of the row. KIDS struggle as NED beats on EYEGORE.)

NED: Let them go! Let them go!......Ohhhh, I feel sick; I’m gonna throw up.. heave heave

(EYEGORE squeals and drops the three BIG KIDS, grabs NED and holds him upside down over an audience member. PETUNIA beats on EYEGORE. Alexis and Winston run down the row, Winston head butting DR. F, knocking her away. )

EYEGORE: Oh, don’t make a mess. Here, spill your belly on these old dead plants. I can throw them out.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

(WINSTON and ALEXIS run back and pull on PETUNIA.)

PETUNIA: Let go of my baby brother!!!

ALEXIS: (tugging on PETUNIA) Petunia! He’s too big! We’ve got to escape!

WINSTON: (tugging) We’ll come back with help!

EYEGORE: Are you through barfing???

NED: Not quite. heave heave…

(PETUNIA is pulled away by WINSTON and ALEXIS . As they pass DR. F , the doc grabs ALEXIS in a Vulcan death grip.)

ALEXIS: Aaaaaahh!! She’s got me....Vulcan death grip....

(clawing at DR.VC’s coat, grabs keys).

...Keys!...Catch the keys! .(throws) Get out!!

WINSTON: (catches keys, pulls PETUNIA) Got ‘em! We’ll be back!!

PETUNIA: Ned!

NED: Petunia! Go!

(WINSTON jerks PETUNIA out -- EXIT.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

MISTY (Entering Stage Apron):

What horrors await Petunia and Winston out the back door?

What blasphemy of science does Dr. Frankenstreudel have planned for Alexis and Ned?

Who cares? I don’t!!! I just want my medicine!

But just because my physical needs are neglected, doesn't mean that you should be uncomfortable!

Go on! Use the restroom! Get a snack! Eat! Drink! Stretch! (stretches and pulls a muscle and groans in pain) The pain! Ohhhh...

Take 10 minutes. It’s Intermission!!!

(EXITS.)

SCENE 7: GRAVEYARD

(Scene begins with VOICES ONLY, from behind CLOSED CURTAIN, night sounds OR they enter through the audience.)

PETUNIA: Why do we have to walk through HERE? The front side of the laboratory building is a nice safe parking lot.

WINSTON: Because the key opened the BACK door. Do you want to go back inside and ask the doc if the key fits any other doors??? Besides, the shortest way to town is through here.

PETUNIA: But it’s so creepy. What could be worse than walking through a graveyard at night?

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: (stomping tantrum) I don’t want to sit here until day for someone to find us!!!

WINSTON: (looking up) Oh, I think you do.

(Petunia looks up as back light reveals zombie standing at STAGE LEFT top of grave.)

PETUNIA: Scream! ( Backs into Winston against right side wall of grave)

WINSTON: (scared out of his wits) You.. you’re Old Lady Wellard! You d-d-d-died 6 years ago!

OLD LADY WELLARD: Yep. It’s good to stretch my legs. (HER leg almost comes off) Ooops, better not stretch ‘em too much. Hey ! You’re the spitting image of ol’ Josiah Johnson. You must be his grandson! (stepping to right side, extending hand) Here, let me help you out.

PETUNIA: (pulls WINSTON in front of her as a shield, swinging around to left side of grave) No! No! No!

WINSTON: B-b-b-ut, you’re the undead!

OLD LADY WELLARD: Listen kids, just because I’m the undead don’t mean I ain’t got feelings. I went to school with your granddad and I ain’t gonna eat you, but they might. (points)

(ZOMBIE HANDS push through the grave walls, groping for the kids who scream and dodge.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: (screaming) Get us out! Get us out!

(PETUNIA and WINSTON stumble around, facing the audience, getting caught, then escaping. )

(TECHNIQUE: Petunia & Winston can do this scene facing the audience and looking realistic by letting the zombies grab them from behind. Escape zombie hands by peeling them off, then looking at and backing away from that zombie, so they "accidentally" back into another zombie's hands, then peeling off those and "backing" into others.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

WINSTON Mrs. Wellard! Do you have a rope?

OLD LADY WELLARD : Better. I’ve got guts.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

WINSTON (gives up pulling on Petunia and begs) Mrs. Wellard!! Drop your intestines! Get us out!

OLD LADY WELLARD: (holding her guts away)

I don't think so. You young folks oughtta be treating yer elders with more RESPECT!

WINSTON: Respect??? They want to eat us!!!

(ZOMBIES MRS. DEATH BREATH and MR. DRY BONES dig through dirt and step into grave and grab PETUNIA.

Left to right:

Death Breath -->Petunia<--Dry Bones, Winston)

PETUNIA: Eeeek! They’re breaking through!!

(OLD LADY WELLARD turns to look.)

WINSTON: (jerking on Mr. Dry Bones) Let go of her you deadcreep!

PETUNIA (being eaten from both sides:) This is horrible! Horrible!

WINSTON: I said, "LET GO!"

(DRY BONES lets go and crashes into Left grave wall or into audience.

He will slooowly rise and come at Petunia again.)

OLD LADY WELLARD: Be careful, you little hooligan! He was the school principal!

WINSTON : One down, two to go!

(pushing Mrs. DB in the face) Take that, Zombie! (She lets go of Petunia and bites Winston's hand.) Ow!!! My hand! Quit biting you halitosis horror!

PETUNIA: (attacking Dry Bones) Kick her legs out, Winston!

OLD LADY WELLARD: Children! Violence is never the best solution!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: Well they stink to high heaven! Get us out!

OLD LADY WELLARD: They may be mindless, flesh eating zombies, but they are STILL YOUR ELDERS!

[This is the moment when Winston comprehends that they must be polite for Wellard to help them. He immediately stops fighting and starts evasive spinning and dancing.)

WINSTON: (confused) Still our elders? Elders??? Oh, I get it……. Petunia?! She wants us to be POLITE! STOP HITTING THE ZOMBIES!

PETUNIA: What?????

OLD LADY WELLARD: And stop calling us ZOMBIES!

(MR. DRY BONES attacks, getting strangle hold on WINSTON)

WINSTON: Good evening, sir, we certainly enjoyed the company. Oh dear, I do believe your fingers are tangled around my throat. Excuse my clumsiness.

(peels DRY BONES’ fingers from his throat)

PETUNIA: (sarcastically dance/deflecting zombies) Ok, ok, PLEASE, excuse me. We’ve had a charming time. Such witty conversation! So sorry we have to leave. Intestines, if you PLEASE, Mrs. Wellard!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: How considerate, Mrs. Death Breath! You want to style my hair! And set it with saliva mousse!

(PETUNIA grabs MRS. DEATH BREATH’S wrists, lifts them up, and spins her into MR. DRY BONES who had just gotten to his feet, crashing both zombies.)

PETUNIA stumbles backwards into MRS. RATTLE WALK who grabs PETUNIA’S arm and sinks in her teeth with a pit bull intensity.

PETUNIA pushes on Mrs. RW's forehead to get her teeth off Petunia’s arm, but when PETUNIA lets go to grab the intestines, instantly MRS. RATTLEWALK’s teeth snap back into her arm.

DRY BONES & DEATH BREATH begin slowly crawling back to PETUNIA.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

WINSTON: Are you hurt, Petunia?

PETUNIA: (looking over her arms and body) Um... I don’t know. I’m sore.. but I’m not bleeding.

WINSTON: With all that biting? You’re not bleeding?

PETUNIA: No. They didn’t break the skin. But they left a lot of teeth imbedded all over me.Yecch!

WINSTON: I guess zombies aren’t much for dental care.

PETUNIA: (remembering her manners) Oh! Mrs. Wellard! Thank you very much for---.

(FX: PLASMA COLORED LIGHT OFF

Wellard grabs PETUNIA to support herself.)

OLD LADY WELLARD: All of a sudden... I .... feel.... dead.... tired

(ALL ZOMBIES start dying, stumbling offstage.)

PETUNIA: (gasp)...rescuing me.

WINSTON: They dropped dead. Just like that.

PETUNIA: (pointing towards lab and colored light source) When the plasma ray stopped.

WINSTON: The plasma ray... Oh! When we pointed the plasma ray out the window it must have caused all the dead people in the cemetery to become zombies! (points at audience) Look at them all.

PETUNIA: And now Dr. Frankenstreudel found the ray gun and turned it back around.

(FX: LIGHTNING & THUNDER, RAIN....)

PETUNIA: Lightning!! Run! (starts running but Winston grabs her back)

WINSTON: Stop! Weather report!

PETUNIA: What???

WINSTON: Dr. Frankenstreudel made an appointment for tomorrow after she checked the WEATHER REPORT!! She wasn’t looking for good weather TOMORROW! She saw that there would be a lightning storm TONIGHT!!!

PETUNIA: Lightning??? … Electricity!!! She has electricity!! She can bring her creature to life!

WINSTON: Using the brain of Alexis!

PETUNIA: And the immune system of Ned!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: Do you know what to do?

WINSTON: No. (heading off) Come on.

PETUNIA: (wiping her nose, calling on her anger for strength) Just look where you’re going this time!

(CURTAIN)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR. F: Eyegore! Where are the reserve eyeballs I was keeping in the blue Tupperware.

EYEGORE: Eyeballs?? Ooops.. I put them in the Jello salad we’re serving the audience after the show. They suspend so well.

DR. F: Well what am I supposed to transplant??? Grapes???

EYEGORE: The purple ones are a fetching color.

OLD MAN WELLARD: Hey watch out! You’re walking on my intestines.

DR. F: Yuckk! Eyegore! Mop up this slimy mess on the floor. I almost broke my neck!

EYEGORE: Is that zombie in the house again? Out! Out! No walking corpses in the house

OLD MAN WELLARD: Just let me pick up my teeth and I’ll be leaving. Just wait until you’re dead. Then you’ll be sorry you treated me like this!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

Lightning storm & music up as curtain opens)

SCENE 8: THE OPERATION

(Laboratory. ALEXIS and NED are restrained on upstage tilted tables facing front, perhaps leaning against upstage wall. They wear metal caps with electrical wires clipped on and are marked with dotted lines where they will be cut: Alexis around forehead, Ned down arms and legs. Lightning and thunder out window as scene begins. DR. F is making adjustments on control panel of machine Stage Right Upstage and checking a clipboard list. EYEGORE polishes scalpels Stage Left, then shaves leg with knife. Plasma ray shines on creature downstage Right. A shovel and broom leans downstage Left.)

(FX: LIGHTNING & THUNDER, RAIN, fade out.)

DR F: Aaah. That jolt was a good one! The mega-capacitor is nearly charged. (teasing) Don’t you find that fascinating, Alexis? Charging up a capacitor with lightning? Then releasing that power through a circuit linking (pointing) your brain, this child’s bone marrow, and my precious new creature’s body, to synchronize your polarities before performing the transplants?

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: Has she started the operation yet??

WINSTON: No. Alexis and Ned are both still OK. But they are clamped onto tables.

PETUNIA: Do you think these keys will unlock them?

WINSTON: I can’t tell.

PETUNIA: (poking her head around ) There’s a shovel. I can use that to whack the doctor and Eyegore in the head while you try the keys to unlock Ned and Alexis!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR F: Done! Everything checks out. Power storage nearing capacity. We can begin polarity synchronization in about 1 minute.

ALEXIS and NED: NO! NO! NO! (continue yelling)

DR F: Eyegore! I’ve forgotten my goggles. Fetch them from my study.

EYEGORE: I’ll get the ear plugs as well. These noisy children are not very considerate of our ear drums.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

( PETUNIA runs and grabs the shovel, as WINSTON tiptoes to ALEXIS and NED and tries to unlock them. PETUNIA sneaks up behind DR. F and raises the shovel high..)

MISTY: (without enthusiasm) Woof.

(DR. F spins around lunging, grabbing the shovel with one hand and PETUNIA’s shoulder in the Vulcan death grip with the other. PETUNIA stumbles back, melting helplessly. DR. F drags her to cuffs on wall or table. WINSTON struggles to unlock ALEXIS.)

ALEXIS: You came back! You came back!

WINSTON: Of course! Hold still!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

EYEGORE: Is that CLAY on your feet????!!!

(WINSTON freezes in terror.

EYEGORE jerks throw rug out from under WINSTON who falls on his behind.

EYEGORE appears to lift WINSTON by his throat but really Winston is hanging on to EYEGORE's arm and is lifting himself.

EYEGORE holds the rug in his face.)

Look at this mess on my hand-woven imported rug. Aren’t you ashamed that you didn’t wipe your feet?

WINSTON: NO!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

PETUNIA: (shaking chains) Aaarrgh! Captured again! I hate you, you stupid beast! How could you rat on us like that!

WINSTON: Misty is part rat…

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

NED: Stop yelling at Misty. She can’t help doing bad. She’s sick. She just wants medicine.

WINSTON: You’re right Ned, Misty is desperate beyond reason and morals.

Dr. Frankenstreudel is to blame for all of this.

DR F: (looking at damage) Curse you rotten children.

(turns to face them, standing in front of window) Now I can’t unscramble satellite TV.

(OLD LADY WELLARD lunges through window grabbing DR. F pulling her to window sill. Kids look startled, then happy.)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR F: The capacitor is charged. Everything is ready. I will check the electrode contacts. Confound it, Eyegore! Stop cleaning and check their clamps. I don’t want their limbs jerking free during the electrical surge.

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

ALEXIS: (hopeful) Help us, Eyegore! You can save us! Release the clamps.!

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

EYEGORE: (can’t decide, looking from kids to doctor, shaking in confusion) Oh, oh, oh, oh…

( then suddenly: ) Yes, Doctor!

(As if pulled by his own outstretched arm, he abruptly walks to equipment and turns knob, flips switch)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

DR F: (smugly to Alexis) Brain electro-cauterization is an efficient science. (puts hand on main switch) Voltage release in ten seconds! 10, 9, 8

(continues through action) 7, 6, 5, 4...

(Upon countdown, kids immediately begin screaming and struggling against their cuffs,

MISTY howls and leaps up unhooking her leash from the wall, flings herself over to Alexis and unhooks the electrical line from the machine to Alexis and clips it to her leash.

EYEGORE beats MISTY down with broom.

MISTY spills water bowl between herself and the doctor when she lands and lies cringing downstage center. )

DR F: 3, 2, 1, Contact!!! (lifts switch and other arm in glory)

(FX: ELECTRIC JOLT FX, FLICKER LIGHTS)

[—-LINES SKIPPED —- ]

NED: (hugging her) Misty, nobody knows if you are a dog or a goat or a monkey, but I know what you are: you’re my friend.

PETUNIA: And mine. (patting Misty) Good friend.

WINSTON, ALEXIS, NED (patting): Good friend

MISTY: I’ve never been so happy. (Dies, with a little convulsive theatrics. Kicks the bucket.)

EYEGORE: Ohhhh, Misty kicked the bucket.

KIDS: Thank you, Misty.

NED: So what was the moral of this story?

ALEXIS: That you should always do your math homework!

PETUNIA: Right! So weird doctors will want to scoop out your brain to make smart monsters.

WINSTON: That you should always keep up the fight even when you don’t know how!

PETUNIA: Right! So you can march into open graves and get eaten by zombies.

EYEGORE: May be the moral is that we can’t hope for happiness in this veil of tears and will only find it in Heaven.

OLD MAN WELLARD (flopping in the window):

I’ll let you know if I ever get there! (flops out.)

NED: Heaven? Is Misty in Heaven?

ALEXIS: Which one? Dog Heaven? But that’s just her nose.

WINSTON: Her ears are in Rabbit Heaven.

PETUNIA: Her stomach is in Goat Heaven. What a noisy place that must be.

DR. F: Children! The moral is to let compassion guide your quest for scientific truths!

ALL KIDS: What? Huh?

MISTY (convulsing back to life): Give me a break! Obviously the moral is to save your best stuff for the last scene.

EVERYONE: (nodding) Yeah.

MISTY: Close the curtain, already! (dies again)

(CURTAIN CLOSES/ OPENS FOR BOWS)

THE END