EXCERPTS

SCENE 1 - ARRIVING AT CAMP
(RICKY & PENNY ENTER.
HAPPY & MEAN COUNSELORS check lists at table.)

RICKY - Finally we're off that bus! It stunk!

PENNY - And that sticky stuff on the floor pulled my shoe off.
------------REMOVED SECTION-------
VICKY (ENTERING, to Ricky) Oh are you looking for the pink and red Hello Kitty suitcase? It's adorable! I love your fashion sense! It's in the pile behind bus #4.
RICKY - It's not for me! It's for --
MEAN COUNSELOR (striding past them): Move out maggots! Get your stuff and hoof it over to the Nurses Trailer for lice inspection!
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VICKY - Oh! Ricky rhymes with my name: Vicky! We can use each others' names in poetry workshop.
RICKY - (horrified) No!

VICKY - Once there was a boy named Ricky;
Who fell in love with a girl named Vicky!
RICKY - Aaack!

VICKY - Oopsie! Everyone's got their stuff and leaving and here we are yakking! Bye!
ANDREW - Wow! Vicky is a ball of energy! Camp is going to be great! (He skips off)
PENNY - (calling to offstage) Hey, That's my suitcase! Don't throw it in the dumpster! (EXITS)
------------REMOVED SECTION-------

RICKY - Where are the other campers?
MEAN COUNSELOR (poking head in) Got any more campers talking without raising their hands?
We need more to hoe the tobacco field!

HAPPY COUNSELOR - No! Sorry! They're all being very good and are very excited about making jewelry out of recycled materials for their mothers or 2nd fathers.
MEAN COUNSELOR - Drat. (EXITS)

HAPPY COUNSELOR - So, let's get to work making pretty things!
PENNY - Do we have scissors or glue?
HAPPY COUNSELOR - I'm sorry, little girl, we don't allow campers to use scissors or glue or staples or paper or pencils or crayons, since the Camper Uprising of 1974. Bloody mess.
JANITOR - Wore out 9 mops.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------
MEAN COUNSELOR - Your hamster died.
HAPPY COUNSELOR - Oh! (bursts into tears and EXITS) Hammy! Not again!

MEAN COUNSELOR - Guess I'll have to tell your story now. Squirmy Squirrel also knew that it was very dangerous to come down out of the trees after dark because something not-very-nice lived in the lake and crawled out when the sun went down.
ANDREW - Ooooh! Ooooh! Was it the Loch Ness Monster?

MEAN COUNSELOR - Better. Many years ago, when Camp PickaScab still had fresh paint, and typhoid-tainted milk in clear glass bottles, there was a camper girl named Debbie who didn't follow the rules.
She didn't want to share her camp-store money with the counselors. She didn't want to sign the pre-written letters to home. And she didn't want to stay in her bunk at night. Do you know what she did?

(No answer)
MEAN COUNSELOR - I just told you, you little numbskulls.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------

HAPPY COUNSELOR (ENTERING) - My hamster didn't die! I just called home!
MEAN COUNSELOR - Oh, sorry! Must have been a wrong number. (EXITS)
HAPPY COUNSELOR - Ooops! Look at the clock! Time for poetry writing!

------------REMOVED SECTION-------
MEAN COUNSELOR - Boys do sweat lodge instead. (EXIT)
RICKY - Sweat lodge????????
HAPPY COUNSELOR - I have to go make a big vat of Kool-aid. Keep working while I am gone. (EXIT)
(JANITOR cleans other side, ignores them.)

RICKY - This camp is terrible!
PENNY - I hate it!
ANDREW - How can you say that? It challenges the mind and dazzles the senses.
RICKY - I tried using the pay phone to call home. It wants 40 Canadian quarters!

PENNY - I saw a trash can full of campers' letters to home. I read some of them. Do you know that last week they had to dissect a possum for arts and crafts?
ANDREW - That sounds very educational!

RICKY - We've got to escape. (to Penny) Do you want to go with me?
PENNY - We could sneak out after lights out!
ANDREW - Are you out of your minds? Didn't you hear the story about Drowned Debbie? She'll crawl out of the lake and drag you back in!

------------REMOVED SECTION-------
ANDREW - I brought my flashlight! (waves it, lit)
RICKY & PENNY - Turn that off!

ANDREW - Okie-dokie! Which way should we go?
PENNY - I saw a break in the fence behind the guard shack.
------------REMOVED SECTION-------

(THEY EXIT. ENTER MEAN & HAPPY COUNSELORS)
MEAN: They went this way.
HAPPY: How can you tell?
MEAN: I can smell their fear.
HAPPY: But the whole camp smells like fear.
MEAN: Yeah, but this is fresher... Come on..

HAPPY: Are you following their footprints?
MEAN: No those giant bread crumbs.

HAPPY: Oh, such smart children! They sprinkled bread crumbs so they could find their way back! Just like Hansel and Gretel!
MEAN: More likely they gagged on their foot-long Spam Hoagies at dinner time.

------------REMOVED SECTION-------
ANDREW - Yes the fire! That's something to be thankful for. You did a great job building a fire from just sticks and twigs.
RICKY - And the lighter we found in the pocket of that other dead camper who tried to escape.
ANDREW - Yes, he turned out to be very handy.

PENNY & RICKY- (Sigh)
ANDREW - Hey! I'll cheer us up. I'll tell a spooooky story.
------------REMOVED SECTION-------

ANDREW: Once upon a time there was girl named Rita and she loved milk.
She went to camp, but the milk at this camp was chunky and lumpy because it expired 25 years ago, but Rita didn't care because she loved milk so much.
After lights out Rita couldn't sleep because she craved milk and had to get more.
So she snuck out of her cabin to go to the dining hall to get milk.
When she was about 100 yards away she thought she could hear a voice. The voice was saying, "I've got you where I want you and now I'm going to eat you."
So she picked up the pace a little bit.
When she was 50 yards away she thought she could hear it again but a little bit louder
"I've got you where I want you and now I'm going to eat you."

------------REMOVED SECTION
in which Drowned Debbie makes a showing . . . .

(Time to go home.)
ANDREW - I agree. I can't find the words to describe it.
MEAN - (walking past them) - Alright, you dumb campers! On the bus. And don't trip because the line doesn't stop for anyone!
JANITOR (swatting them with the mop) Move it, move it.

HAPPY- (hugging each from front of line) Oh, I love you all. Come back again next year.

(RICKY & PENNY will eventually EXIT, Ricky walks dragging his foot inside his suitcase; Penny is tangled in her bag straps.)
ANDREW - Oh I will! Especially to see my new best friend, Debbie!
HAPPY - Debbie? I don't recall a Debbie. Which cabin was she in?

ANDREW - She's not in a cabin. She's Drowned Debbie. She sleeps in the lake and lives in the woods.
Oops! Gotta go! See you next year!
I already pre-registered for disco class! (Does a John Travolta move.)
I love camp! (skips EXIT)

(COUNSELORS look at each other nervously.)
HAPPY - Drowned...?
MEAN - Debbie...?
JANITOR- If the stingy gits who run this dump would pay to drag the lake occasionally, we'd get more repeat business.

(CURTAIN CLOSES.)
(All actors bow, and Andrew is the last. He comes out blowing kisses and acting like a beloved hero. The other actors exit leaving him behind. He continues walking forward as the curtain closes behind him. He notices the others have left.)

ANDREW - Hey! Where did everybody go?
(Hand comes through curtain and grabs him. Mean Counselor continues through curtain.)
MEAN - Well, well, look who missed the bus. Guess who is spending the weekend with me?

(Another hand comes through and clamps onto Mean Counselor's shoulder. Drowned Debbie follows through.)
DROWNED DEBBIE - I am.
(With an evil laugh, DROWNED DEBBIE pulls MEAN COUNSELOR offstage, leaving ANDREW onstage.)

ANDREW - Hi Debbie! Bye Debbie! Oh dear, now I need to use the ha-ha bathroom. (EXITS)

~THE END~